One whole year, alcohol free.

One whole year sober. I write this not to boast in anything I’ve done, but to share the work God has done in my heart. My flesh is just as sinful as the next human, but God is working in me and I hope to encourage someone else through sharing this part of my story. 

If you knew me before marrying Caleb, you probably have seen me under the influence of alcohol. When I first met Caleb, I went out 5 days in a row leading up to our first date, I actually showed up to meet him for the first time in person hungover (real wifey material). I was not okay emotionally, and I was using alcohol to numb the pain. I remember him saying to me, “you’ve gone out 5 days this week… do you know the Bible says getting drunk is a sin?” I remember being caught off guard, partially because I didn’t know that and partially because no one had loved me enough to tell me that.

I have changed a lot since our first date. I am so much more like Christ than I was, marriage is sanctifying. It wasn’t until we were married that I recognized I couldn’t keep drinking and truly follow God fully, or be the wife I wanted to be. The first night I got drunk since being married was the first night Caleb slept on the couch instead of next to me. I got upset with him, I yelled at him and said things I don’t remember that I didn’t mean, we were late to church the next day because we had to pull the car over and cry it out together, and I knew then I wanted to stop drinking.

I gave it up for 5 months, then drank again – this time 5 nights in a row. Later when I was sharing with my mentor about how I had given in and drank 5 days in a row, I was explaining the context of those days. Some of the days were celebrating, some were because I had a bad day. My mentor pointed out I had a negative relationship with alcohol and it took her saying that for me to see it. But it was so true. I used it to cope, numb, deal with bad days, have something to do with my “friends”, fit in… Or celebrate, depending on the day. But I had never stopped to think about my relationship with alcohol ever in my life.

I gave it up again, for a couple months, until 1 year ago yesterday. That night we went to a live show at a winery and I had a whole bottle of wine.

I am a very all or nothing person, and self control and alcohol do not mix with me. I cannot control myself when it comes to drinking and I don’t like who I am under the influence. And the more intimate I got with Jesus, the more I saw what He says about this.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

God is clear in this that the enemy is waiting for someone to devour and being drunk is the opposite of being alert and having a sober mind. Self control is a part of the fruit of the Spirit, and the Bible clearly says that you cannot be filled with the Spirit if you’re drunk on wine.

Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Eph. 5:17-20 

We cannot discern what God’s will is for us if we are drunk. The Bible says being drunk leads to destruction. (And I have enough life experience with being drunk that I know it to be true.)

I do not believe that. all Christians are called to sobriety. The Bible says,

“‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but I will not be mastered by anything” 1 Cor. 6:12 

I was mastered by it. The enemy used it to keep me in such bondage before I was able to break free of it.

Paul goes on to say, “You have been bought with a price. Therefore glorify God in your body” 1 Cor. 6:20

This is the basis of my WHY of giving up alcohol. Nothing good comes from it. It hurt my body, it took my money, it made me do stupid things, I didn’t like being hungover, it hurt my relationships with others, and nothing made me feel further from God than the pattern of addiction I was in with it. I hated it, but I kept doing it. I remember sitting across from so many people I respected and looked up to, telling them story after story that I was ashamed of, all of which started with the words, “So I went out and…” All the stories started with the same thing, and yet I kept going out. Even when it didn’t line up with my values, my goals, or what I wanted for my life. 

Even if you don’t believe the same things as me as far as God goes – I guarantee you yourself have had some sort of negative experience related to alcohol. Whether it was you or someone you love, this is something so many people have been hurt from. It doesn’t take knowing Jesus to see that this is harmful if used in excess or if abused. It’s poison to your body, and it destroys so many families, relationships, and lives. I have seen this and I’m sure you have too.

If you can relate to my testimony, of seeing nothing good from it and making you do things that don’t line up with your morals or faith, I highly recommend giving it up, even if it’s just for a season. My guess is that you won’t go back once you see how great life is without the hangovers and the regret that comes with the choices you made while under the influence. I will never regret being alcohol free, it’s been the best decision for me. I am so much more steadfast. I love that I am so much more loving towards Caleb and my future babies will never see me how I used to be.

And the enemy hates that he can’t get to me like he used to, while I am rejoicing because PRAISE GOD that he is no longer prowling around waiting for me to break down and be weak in this area again. I will always be on guard against this but the temptation isn’t even there anymore. Catch me drinking water, because my body, my bank account, my marriage, and my relationship with God have all never been thriving like they are since leaving alcohol alone for good.

I would LOVE to chat about any questions you have or if you need advice in this area! I would never judge or shun you, as I guarantee I have been there!! I would love to help you be free of this. It is such a gift to not be tempted anymore and to walk in freedom from all the chains of addiction and depression that alcohol brings.

Again, I don’t think you have to be sober to follow Jesus. If you can handle one or two without feeling like you’re being mastered by it or losing control, go you! I just know for me, and many, many others, this is a huge way the enemy likes to keep people in bondage. And I also know this problem has increased drastically for people since COVID hit, with alcohol sales being higher than ever. One question to ask yourself is CAN I give it up, for a few weeks to a month. If you can’t or are unable (or unwilling) to, chances are you’re being mastered by it. And God’s wish is that we are not mastered by anything, other than Him. (We can also be mastered by good things, like exercise or food or our spouse or our jobs! But that’s another post for another time.) 

I hope and pray this reaches people who need to read it, and I am already praying for those of you who either will reach out or want to thank me for sharing this but don’t end up reaching out. God sees you, He loves you, He desires that you live your life free of the damage and bondage alcohol can bring.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. Galatians 5:13

 

Life Update | February 20th, 2019

I’ve been pretty quiet on social media lately as far as content that I write myself, and I wanted to post an update of where I’m at since being married and moving away to a little town.

I’ve become so content with the simple, sweet life I’m living.

Most days consist of waking up, breakfast and coffee, reading my devotionals and Bible, spending all of my weekdays with kindergartners (student teaching), coming home, cooking, cleaning, reading even more – my Bible and I’m reading 3 books right now, and loving on my husband.

So much joy and growth have come from spending so much time in the Word and living a quiet life.

I’ve been reading a book that my 4^th grade teacher (to know Mrs. Parker is to love her… Such a blessing) gave me about a year ago, after she felt God put it on her heart to lend me a copy. We met up for a late lunch at Panera and caught up about what God had been doing in our lives.

The book sat on my shelf for over a year before I read it, because I have a problem with beginning books and then reading them slowly overtime, and reading more than one at once.

The book she gave me is called Fervent by Priscilla Shire, and it’s inspired by the movie War Room. The whole book talks about how the enemy wants to deceive you and attack you in all different areas of life, how this looks, and how to combat it with Truth and prayer.

I started reading this a few weeks ago and I have 1 chapter left. It’s challenged me and shown me many things about God and satan, and how sneaky the enemy can be. It’s helped me to shift my focus from getting upset with people to praying against the enemy’s tactics of trying to steal, kill, and destroy. It’s helped me be more forgiving and it’s brought me closer to God by getting me to pray differently. I’ve become more patient and so much more quick to forgive.

I’ve prayed since I was saved in 8^th grade, some seasons more than others. But lately I’ve been praying differently, and it’s been pretty awesome to see how God has worked in my heart since doing this in a new way. In church I’ve been moved during worship to get down on my knees in surrender to Him. Then I found myself praying for and with my husband on my knees, over several instances.

A few things have changed since I started doing this. I am able to position my body in a way of surrender and humble myself before our Father, and it’s helped me recognize that it’s really not about me when I pray. I have seen this become a form of obedience to God and what He’s doing in my heart. It’s helped me to be still and to give God all of my attention. He hears my prayers no matter how my body is positioned obviously, but I feel like in doing this I am more focused, centered, and more grounded in Him during my time in communication with him.

I’ve also been spending a lot of time alone in quiet time with God, reading my Bible, praying, sometimes just sitting, being still, and letting His presence do what only He can do in my heart. This is something that has been life changing. God has spoken to me many times when I take the step to just welcome Him into my day to day life.  My time alone with Him is the most important part of my days.

It’s been something that has been so intimate and I have debated posting online for that reason. I’ve felt that social media has made things that are so intimate seem either fake or unreliable because we get to filter through what we post. We post all the good, none of the bad, and when you share something that means a lot to you and has such an intimate place in your heart, it’s really easy for people to judge you, talk about you, and not believe that you’re being 100% honest. Because it’s a social media post, it’s just something that you’ve constructed to generate likes. I’ve kind of just been over it, to be honest with you.

It’s been hard to discern if my lack of posting has been caused by growth in not caring what the world thinks and not entertaining the idea of having people “like” my posts, or if it’s been caused by fear of rejection and people not liking what I post. I’ve almost developed an anxiety with social media, and it’s been put on my heart to step away from it a bit and spend more time with God. I don’t know how else to explain it but I would type up countless posts just to delete them, and I would analyze if I should be transparent and honest about life or just post a cute filtered picture like almost everyone else does with some clever caption. Obviously, I’d prefer to be most honest and be open about struggles I’ve been going through, but in the moment, I would let fear of judgement or the idea of not getting support hinder me from being real online.

Overall, I think this has been a season of growth, because I don’t need other approval online anymore. And in that season of growth where if I do post, it’s more honest and less what the world wants me to be posting, I’ve developed a fear of rejection. This shows, again, what satan can do when God is trying to use you by being honest and letting people know that they aren’t alone. I know that every single person can relate to feeling like crap after the comparison trap that social media makes us feel, and we could all use people to remind us that we are not alone. But the enemy loves it when we isolate and believe the lie that we’re the only one struggling in this life and everyone else has it all together. Lately,  I’ve been challenging myself lately to be more honest and open, for God’s glory. Hence, this blog post.

My favorite parts of my days no longer need to be posted online, and I’ve come to like it more that way.

I’ve also been shown that in posting everything online, I wasn’t having quality conversations with people. They knew everything I wanted to share, because I was choosing to share it with the whole world.

I recognized that in not sharing everything with the world, I was able to have more meaningful conversations with humans in real life, and it helped to build more relationships.

I still share some things, like pictures of Caleb – because I can’t help it, and photos of food that I make – because I’ve been cooking daily and I’ve improved and learned so much since getting married.

In sharing about my life, that little social media rant was important to include.

We’ve found a church home (SUCH an answered prayer as we didn’t know where we’d end up when we were engaged), Caleb and I are a part of the young adults ministry, I volunteer with the babies in the nursery (my whole heart) and Caleb is volunteering with sound and the worship band. We are attending a financial peace university class and a class about marriage, both also at our church.

I made a friend at church the other night who just got married Saturday and who majored in Early Childhood Education. Her husband and her love board games and she just moved here now that they’re married. We met a few weeks ago at a young adults ministry night, when she was talking about her fears about moving away from home to live with her soon-to-be husband that she had always been long distance with. I was able to encourage her in that and we are now officially friends (we both were looking for a friend(s) in this new season and thankfully, God brought us each other). I’m excited to see where it goes now that she’s living here and we will be able to spend more time together vs. just texting. God is so cool.

I am student teaching in a kindergarten classroom in Marshalltown for another 3 weeks, then I have a week off for spring break before going to my second placement, which is in a 5^th grade classroom. I am 100% in love with my students and the district I am in. My cooperating teacher helps me to be better and she is extremely experienced, which I am thankful for because she’s given me so much guidance and advice. I often feel like I’m stumbling through lesson planning but she is quick to encourage me and remind me that it just takes time. I finally have the schedule down and my lessons are scheduled out for the next 2 weeks. I’m teaching the whole day by myself everyday, and finally feel like I’m getting it.

My time in the classroom I’m in has shown me a lot of diversity, a lot of kids effected by trauma, and a lot of joy. Teaching these kids is a blessing. They are smart, kind, and impressively funny. If you talk to me about them, you’ll see my eyes light up and I could go on and on about the stories I have from my short time with them.

We have conference week next week, so this weekend I will make sure that all my lunches are packed, I get plenty of sleep, and I am 100% prepared for a long week. I am so excited to meet the students’ families, drink lots and lots of coffee, and experience my first ever conference week.

I’ve been in the classroom for 6 weeks, and I’ve been shown enough in this time to know that kindergarten is the grade I want to teach.

I’ve enjoyed all of my placements, but there’s something about this age group that I love so much.

I just want to hug them all and show them how loved they are.

It’s hard to find the words to sum it up in a couple paragraphs, but this has been my favorite classroom experience so far and I am so thankful for it. Soon I’ll move onto 5^th grade, and I am excited to see what God has in store for the last half of my student teaching placement.

I work once a week at Texas Roadhouse in Ames, some weeks more but usually just one shift. It’s so nice to be able to take the time to focus on student teaching and pick up shifts if I need to. I’m starting to remember my coworkers’ names without having to look at their name tags and I’m slowly but surely making Crocs a thing at the Ames Texas Roadhouse. (In Cedar Falls, we all wore crocs. I gave a coworker in Ames a pair of mine that I just bought in the fall but they were too small for me, so it’s me and probably 2 other people now. Only like 40 other servers to go. Probably not going to happen but a girl can dream. I miss my store #28 roadies a lot, obviously.)

Caleb and I stay busy enough, but not too busy. We keep time with God and each other a priority and we are learning so much about each other.

We love the town we live in, it’s really small and quiet and it feels so homey.

I personally love the train that is so close to our home, and I really, really love the library in town. It’s where I spend a couple nights a week writing and doing homework.  They have the cutest little cart when you walk in that has coffee, tea, and clean and dirty signs for cups and spoons. There’s creamer and sugar, and it is free for your taking. The library is in an old house that has faulted ceilings, crystal door knobs, benches by the windows, a fire place, comfy recliners and couches, so many old paintings complete with gold frames and the artists’ signature in the bottom right hand corner. It feels like my great-grandma is still alive and she created this sweet space just to remind me that time alone, spent writing and reading and being still is so sacred. She is in heaven, but this library reminds me so much of her. The paintings all look like hers and the style of decoration is something she would love. It’s filled with so much character that my old lady heart just about explodes out of my chest every time I come here (I am writing this at the library in a comfy recliner next to the fire place and sipping on lukewarm coffee while listening to the clock tick. Pure bliss.)

Our home usually smells much like the food I’m cooking, the desserts or breads I’m baking, or the candles we’re burning. It sounds like Caleb’s laugh, the record we have playing, or peaceful and quiet. We don’t have internet due to what is offered in such a small town out in the middle of nowhere, and in attempt to save money, which has honestly been such a blessing because I spend much more time in The Word without the connection to the internet.  Our wedding photos are finally framed and hung and I have our home decorated in a way that makes my heart happy. I find joy in keeping our home clean and welcoming, cooking for us, and just spending time being at home. We’re aching to own a home of our own someday, where we can have a washer and dryer, have Caleb’s studio in the place we live, and I can have more storage in the kitchen. But for now, we’re loving our cheap little 2 bedroom apartment, complete with a coin washer and dryer, free water, and free garbage pick up.

We are learning a lot about each other and marriage. It’s really the coolest thing ever to be with each other every day and grow together. We’ve been married just over 2 months, but in that time we have grown so much individually and separately. It’s something that feels like a rollercoaster some days, but we are not alone. God is with us, and many of our friends encourage us and are praying for us in this season.

Jordan Dooley said it best earlier this week on a post talking about how her own marriage sometimes feels like a roller coaster.

She gave 3 good pieces of advice/knowledge.

“1. When you’re on an actual coaster, you don’t make the car move up. No. You just show up and buckle up. The machine makes you move. Same goes for your marriage. You commit, show up, and hold on tight but you don’t just have to try to move yourselves back up after feeling like you’re both down on your own. God will move you, together, as He pulls y’all both closer to Himself. ⁣
⁣
2. Improvement should be your goal, always. But improvement doesn’t only happen when you’re moving upward and toward the top or an ideal. Refining comes in the dips and the times you have to hold on really tight. And even when it feels like a step back, it may really be a step forward to learning more about one another so that you can ULTIMATELY move forward. ⁣
⁣
3. On that note, your marriage will not always be feeling like you’re climbing up but guess what? If you commit to being a team, even the drops are the ones you’ll take together. Hold on tight and enjoy the ride.”

– Jordan Lee Dooley

(Here’s the whole post and the link if you’re interested in reading the rest.)

https://www.facebook.com/SoulScripts/photos/a.607945399372280/1186210351545779/?type=3&theater

I absolutely love that.

Yes, it is absolutely heavenly and so beautiful to be married. But it isn’t just a walk in the park. I’m going to be 100% honest in what I post and I am telling you, it is hard, joining lives together of two flawed, sinful people. In our experience, the beginning is sometimes especially hard because it’s a season of transitions and expectations. Join with that moving away from one person’s family, school, job, and friends, and you can bet that there are going to be emotions that sometimes get the best of us. We’ve been learning how to better love each other, fight well and fight less, listen more, and forgive quickly. We’ve been challenging each other to do things the other person doesn’t like because it’s good for us. (Example: he makes me leave the house sometimes and I make him stay in with me sometimes. Introverts, you know how much home is cherished. Extroverts, you know how much you love people. Marrying the opposite of you brings good balance of those things.)

I miss my family a lot, and try to make it back to Cedar Falls once a month. I wish I could go back home every week but our calendar and bank account wouldn’t allow me to do that. But moving here has brought a season of immense growth and joy in the Lord. He’s sustained me and shown me more of His heart and it’s been so awesome to share that joy with 5 and 6 year olds daily (I can’t tell them about God, but I get to show them through my love).

One last fun fact about our lives: We’ve discovered that chess is our favorite thing. It fixes when we aren’t seeing eye to eye, it is a free date night, it is something to do together, and it makes me weirdly competitive.

If you’re wanting to pray for us, we would love for you to pray about Caleb’s next job, whatever God has in store with that, and for me to build up an immunity to kindergartners in the winter. I’m recovering from a sinus and upper respiratory infection now, and an almost ear infection according to my doctor. Also, just for continued growth in our walks with Christ.

Let me know if we can be praying for you in anyway, we love to be in relationship with brothers and sisters in Christ.

I have an overwhelming sense of peace in this season, even though it’s been filled with lots of commitments, changes, transitions, hard days, and long nights. God keeps providing for us in every way, and I am so thankful for all the changes he’s brought into my life over the last year. My confidence in my marriage, my career, my relationships, and my life overall is all in Jesus. I’ve seen constantly that if I keep Jesus as my focus, everything – and I mean everything – will work out.

Is our marriage perfect? No.

Is our God? Yes.

Is He our focus, foundation, and goal in which we strive to be more like Him in how we love, serve, and forgive each other every day? Yes.

Do we fail daily? Yes.

But the most beautiful thing is that we always choose to love. Even when we don’t feel like it.

Some people may say that I need to be more worried about this or should be more concerned about that, but in reality, my God has shown up over and over in ways that I never could have done on my own. I will spend my time reminding myself of those truths instead of worrying about worldly things. I will love well and steward the gifts He gives me, and trust in His promises, and everything will work out. It always does.

 

My encouragement to you is to make time to be alone with God and sit before Him, allowing Him to speak to you. The Bible tells us Jesus did this, and I have seen how much this changes things. 

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. – Luke 5:16 

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone. – Psalm 62:5

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. – Psalm 23:1-3

Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. – Lamentations 3:28

Since we live by the Spirit let us keep in step with the Spirit. – Galatians 5:25

 

I’m sure that there are many things I haven’t talked about that have been meaningful and impactful. For now, that’s all I’ve got. Marriage is the best, student teaching is such a blessing, and we love our church home and community we’ve found within that. God is good. If you read all this, thank you. I hope you are able to see my heart within the words I wrote.

love always,

– MAK.

30 Days Until Forever: Life Update

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything, and I’m feeling a lot of feelings (like always) so I figured I’d let my fingers type away and try to express all of the emotions that have been present lately.

It’s officially 1 month until our wedding day, and as much as I’ve been counting it down, it’s so bittersweet to think that I will soon leave the town I grew up in, my parents, my job, my friends, and my home to move into a tiny, cheap apartment with my soon-to-be husband and our dog, and start student teaching soon after that.

Up until last week, we didn’t know where I’d be student teaching or where we’d be living.

Talk about trusting Jesus.

I received my placements last Thursday, both being in schools in Marshalltown. We found an apartment last week, too, a cute little two bedroom apartment in State Center, close to Marshalltown and close enough to Des Moines and Ames for Caleb’s jobs. We won’t live together until we are married but we get to start moving our stuff in the weekend of Thanksgiving. We paid the deposit and first month’s rent yesterday.

My heart is exploding with anticipation of waking up next to the love of my life daily and spending my days in the classroom and my nights spent with my best friend in a home of our own. To decorate our home, hang our wedding photos everywhere, cook together, clean together, grocery shop together, go to church together, and not have to say goodbye to each other anymore.

My heart is also aching at the idea of being an hour and 10 minutes from my parents, who I’ve lived with the past year and who I’ve never lived more than 20 minutes away from. As much as I can’t wait to live with my almost husband, I am going to miss living with my parents, as lame as that sounds. They have been my best friends for my whole life, and living with them this last year has truly saved me in so many ways. Obviously financially, but also mentally and emotionally. My parents truly are my heroes and I am going to miss seeing them every day and being their annoying roomie who never wears pants.

As our wedding is so quickly approaching, I am being reminded so often of God’s goodness. I’ve learned so much about patience, forgiveness, repentance, peace, community, God’s providing of our every need and our daily bread, trusting in God despite the heartache and in the face of our sin, fears, and our shortcomings as a couple and as individuals.

Caleb is such a strong man of God and his heart for the Lord makes me want to be a better servant, daughter, friend, sister, and a better partner for him. He’s wise, kind, hard working, resilient, so brave, he fights against sin and loves being emerged in community, he loves me so fiercely, he loves his family and his friends, but more importantly he prays for his enemies and works to be at peace with everyone. I’ve never heard him speak badly about anyone in a way that demeans their character, if he ever talks about disagreements or hurts someone has caused him, it’s in the kindest and most honoring way possible. He calls out my sin and my ways I can be more like Jesus in a non-condemning way, in a loving way that humbles me and makes me think twice about why I’m doing something or saying something. He pushes me to be the best I can be in all I do, encouraging what is truly good.

It’s crazy to me how much God has done for us in our relationship and engagement, as we are so undeserving. He’s given us so much to be thankful for and in this last 30 days of engagement before we are finally married, I pray that we say yes to God more than we ever have. I pray for new appreciation for each other, and new appreciation and love for our Father who has done so much more than we could ever ask or imagine.

It feels like just yesterday Caleb and I were on our first date in a little coffee shop, and spending hours upon hours on Facetime with each other every night for months. Who knew it’d be our last first date and we would be married just shy of a year later.

We began our engagement with 247 days until our wedding day, and we are now down to 30 days left.

I’m sure it will pass in the blink of an eye between finishing up this semester, moving, my bridal shower and bachelorette party, working all possible shifts, sleeping, and let’s be honest, probably lots of crying.

Trusting Jesus isn’t always an easy task for me. But lately, I’ve been seeing Him show up every single time in ways that I honestly sometimes doubted He would show up in. (Example: Apartment hunting for months, looking at 10-15 places and finally finding one the same week I got my student teaching placement, in the location we wanted/needed financially.)

I have no idea what this next season will bring, as much as I’d like to have it all planned out. But I do know that I am so excited and so, so thankful.

Spirit, lead me.

 

God’s best.

I’ve been torn between wanting to write novels about Caleb and wanting to keep him and I off of social media to protect my peace in this relationship.

He has made me feel so safe and secure in this, and I am going to meet myself in the middle and instead write a blog post. (It was too long for an Instagram caption and so many people have asked me about him so here’s an intro to the man in my photos.) 💛

25 facts about Caleb and I.

1. He opens my door every time I get in and out of his car. Always says, “my lady”.

2. He brought me my favorite wine (which is hard to find to buy and I only mentioned once briefly on the phone) the first time he came to visit me. This was the night of our second date. He sang for me that night, it was a song he wrote a couple years ago, for his future wife. We were sitting on my bed and he was playing guitar and singing to me and I cried.

3. He prayed at dinner that same night. And he prays before every meal with me.

4. I found him on bumble. (LOL.) His bio was about Jesus and coffee and I messaged him (because girls have to message first on that app) and our conversation expired before he replied. I was bummed but then a couple days later I got a Facebook message from him, saying that he went to reply  but it expired and he thought he’d try to find me because I seemed pretty excited to find a guy who loves Jesus on Bumble. After I messaged him back, he deleted the app. No games were played with my heart ever, and I never had to worry about him talking to other girls. He messaged me every day persistently on Facebook until we finally met up 8 days later.

5. He waited 3 dates to kiss me.

6. On Valentine’s Day I woke up and he had made me coffee already, just a cup for me. None for himself. (He was a barista so he makes gooood coffee.☕️)

7. He’s writing a song about me.

8. He has my nickname in his phone as “God’s beautiful daughter”. He showed it to me on our second date and said, “I put that in there the day I got your number.”

9. He doesn’t shy away from the messy, hurting parts of my heart. He listens and loves and encourages me to deal with my brokenness and to find healing from my past hurt.

10. He really wants what’s best for me and always shows it. Consistently encouraging and assisting me to be the most Christ-like I can be.

11. We talked on the phone for the first time 2 days before our first date. The phone call lasted 4 hours. This is when he told me he deleted Bumble. He told me, “I deleted it because I like you.” I said, “…that was forward of you.” Lol.

12. My family, mom, dad, brother, and sister in law all approve.

13. I almost cancelled our first date because I didn’t think I was ready to meet my one. He met me in my lowest season and loved me fearlessly and pursued my heart in a way I never thought I’d ever experience.

14. On our first date, we got coffee (2 coffees each), had really great conversation, he played piano for me, we walked around town and window shopped, then he took me to a bridge and danced with me with no music. I literally could not believe he was real.

15. He told me he wanted to say he loved me two days after our first date. I said no and told him not yet. 😂 He told me a week later. But it didn’t matter if he said it, though. I knew he did by how he treated me.

16. He works full time at a church as a production audio coordinator.

17. He loves Jesus more than he loves me. And he loves how much I love Jesus. When he tells me why he loves me, my heart for Jesus is always number 1.

18. We are long distance and he offered to drive to me and drove to me the first two times. (Ladies, you deserve to be pursued.)

19. He calls me beautiful like it’s my name. At least 10 times a day (some days it’s closer to 50 times a day) and I never get sick of it.

20. I’m his first girlfriend. (I know. What. How.)

21. He honors and respects my body and desires purity with me. He didn’t compliment me about my looks for first week we messaged, just made conversation. He first did when we talked on the phone that first night. He said, “Hey, I think you’re cute. I haven’t told you that yet, but I do.” And he sets physical boundaries and doesn’t ever try to cross them with me. He understands and values the importance of intimacy in context of marriage.

22. He knows when to let me cry and when to give advice. And always gives biblical advice that is God honoring. Which isn’t always what I want to hear, but what I NEED to hear.

23. He tips well. (This is important.)

24. He is so intentional and kind and compassionate and his heart is huge. He genuinely cares and it shows in everything he does.

25. Last but not least, he is me in a guy. Our stories are so similar. We both have obnoxious laughs. We both accepted Christ as our Savior the same year. We both struggled terribly with depression in 2016, in the same months. I got my semicolon tattoo on his birthday that year.

He loves Jesus. He loves worship. He loves coffee. He wants marriage and babies and he loves singing with me. He plays guitar, bass, piano, drums, sings, records music, has a studio.

So, yeah. He’s pretty great. It’s important to voice that my joy comes from Jesus and that is the greatest blessing. Caleb is charming and he amazes me daily. But he isn’t the One who will never fail me, he isn’t the One who’s love will never let me down. He is human, he is flawed. Caleb didn’t save me, but he came along when I was struggling and pointed me towards Jesus and he holds my hand and is patient and kind and prays for me and with me and he brings out the best in me. He brings out the good in me, the God in me. Finding someone who shares that love for the Lord and wants to pursue holiness along side of me and join in on this crazy journey of life with me has been such a blessing, but not the biggest blessing. The cross was the biggest blessing. Jesus is the biggest blessing.

The one thing that I’ve been praying for is a man who would love me like Christ loves the church and who leads me closer to the cross, instead of closer to sin. It makes my heart jump for joy that I have found just that. God is so good and I am so undeserving of a love that is so constant and so consistent and so much like Jesus’ love for me. I am so thankful.

If you read all that, thanks for your time, sorry if it was too disgusting and sappy.

And overall, my advice is do not settle for less than God’s best.

God’s got your person out there who only makes you better and who has the same goals as you and who will love you always, in a selfless, lay down their life kind of way.

You deserve a love that you never have to question.

A girl needs her dad.

Sunday, October 11th, 8:30 am. 3 missed calls from this time, this day, from a number I don’t have saved in my phone. A number I’ve never seen. As I woke up around 11am, I check my phone to find these.

I reply with a text asking what they needed, not knowing what call I was about to receive.

The number pops up again, calling me. I answer, “Hello?”

“Hey kiddo.”

It’s my biological father. I haven’t spoke to him in 3 years, and I’ve only met him twice.

He proceeded to tell me that he’s moved back to Iowa and wants to meet me next Sunday, the 18th, and catch up. Catch up? 21 years later and you want to meet and catch up.

Okay, let me sit you down for coffee and we can talk about the last 21 years of my life.

My biological father’s name is Joe.  (His dad, his dad’s dad, my cousin, and my boyfriend all have that name, too. I’ll specify which one I’m talking about so you don’t get confused.)

I have 6 brothers from him. Noah, Nathan, Riley, Logan, Alex, and Bronson. Bronson passed away when he was a baby, I’ve met Noah and Nathan, I don’t know anything really about Riley or Logan, only have seen their pictures. Alex is in the Philippines and I’ve skyped him twice. He doesn’t speak my english, but he can tell me, “I love you!” and he does over and over again when we Skype. All the boys are younger than me. I’m the oldest and his only girl.

Due to him having to pay child support for all 5 kids, he doesn’t get to keep much of his money. I really only hear from him when he gets married, divorced, or has another kid. Due to his lack of money, he basically lives off of the many women he dates. He has had 2 divorces, and is already talking about marriage with the new girlfriend he has. He moved back to Iowa to be with her.

A little background on our relationship. I was born to my mom and my biological dad, Joe, when they were just 20 years old. My mom was working a minimum wage job, and Joe claims he joined the army to “provide” for me. He left when I was born and never came back. Besides two times, once when I was 6 and once when I was 12. When I was 6, he was visiting his parents who live in Cedar Falls (who I am very close with and still see often) and he called my mom asking to see me. When she dropped me off with him, Joe commented on the fact that I wasn’t wearing name brand clothes, and took me to the mall and bought me a Calvin Klein t-shirt, then we took a picture of me in the shirt with him sitting behind me and hugging me. (Keep in mind that my dad is $7,000 behind on child support so my mom was supporting me alone).

The second time he came back, I was 12. I was very angry and bitter about how he was never there. I went to my grandparents house to meet him, and I got everything off my chest. I was probably too bratty, because I was 12 and it was the first time I got to talk to him about how he made me feel. I didn’t hold anything back, and I just went on and on about how crappy he made me feel my entire childhood up to that point. Never being there, barely ever calling, him yelling at me for not calling him enough, we were just going back and fourth arguing like 5 years olds kids.

He then contacted me at the end of my senior year, telling me he wants to come to my graduation party and he gave me a Saturday he thought he could make it to Iowa, because he was living in Arkansas with his wife at the time. I scheduled my graduation party around him, and he never showed up. He got a divorce shortly before my party, his ex-wife took the car and the house and he was didn’t have a way to Iowa or the money.

When I was growing up, he’d barely ever call. He was very inconsistent, and self centered and swore up and down every time that I talked to him, he left us to go join the army to provide. I never understood it because he didn’t leave to provide, he simply left. He didn’t call, only sent me 2 letters ever when he was overseas, he didn’t even tell me when my brother died. My brother died in July a couple years ago, I didn’t get the news until Christmas when my grandma showed me the obituary from the funeral.

So you can imagine my scattered thoughts and feelings as I agreed to meet with him. All morning I was playing different scenarios in my head of what could happen. My boyfriend and I went to church, and then I got a call from my dad Joe saying he was on his way. (I thought he would end up ditching, so even him calling and not letting me down was a surprise to me).

My boyfriend and I went to my dad Joe’s parents, my grandparents, and waited for Joe. He showed up with his girlfriend. He acted all excited and happy to see me. He shook my boyfriend of 3&1/2 years hand for the first time. He interrogated my boyfriend about where he works, what he does for fun, and acted as if he had authority over him.

I ended up taking him to get coffee at my favorite coffee shop. We had a heated discussion on the way there, there was so much tension and awkwardness and it was just uncomfortable.

Now that I’m an adult, he doesn’t like what I have to say most of the time. I pointed out that he is 39, doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have a phone, and can’t provide for himself so he just moves all over and mooches off the women he dates/marries/impregnates. He didn’t like that.

I told him that I feel like I am way more mature than him. He questioned why I said that. I told him that I am almost 21 and I have a car and I pay my own car payment, car insurance, phone bills, electric, gas, garbage, water, credit card payments, and I am one class away from my liberal arts degree, 3 semesters away from starting nursing school, and I have a steady relationship with my boyfriend and I have a relationship with God.

His response. “So you think you’re better than me because you have a f****** car payment?”

This is the maturity I deal with.

After discussing more complicated, stupid things from the past while sitting in my car, we somehow decided that we should go inside and actually get coffee.

It was awkward. So awkward. He insisted on buying my coffee. He had just about made me cry in the car and he acted like an awesome “dad” and wouldn’t let me buy my own coffee.

After drinking my coffee and he got done with his hot chocolate, we left.

I drove around town and showed him some of my relatives houses. I sang him a song I recently sang at my step-dad’s aunt’s funeral. Joe has never heard me sing, and I sang for him in the car while driving around. He didn’t say one thing when I was done. He didn’t tell me I did good, or that I have a nice voice, or say thank you for doing that so I could hear you sing, or tell me that he’s glad he got to hear me for the first time ever. He just sat there.

He is a stranger, but his DNA is a half of me.

He is a stranger, but he calls me kiddo and he calls me his daughter.

He’s a stranger, but he’s my biological father.

I dropped him off at my grandparents, and he barely talked me me when we got back. I talked to my grandma for about 20 minutes, he avoided me and talked to his girlfriend, smoked cigarettes, and talked to my grandpa. I got changed for work, gave him an awkward half hug and said, “well it was good to see you”.

He said, “Oh yeah, was it? Did you have so much fun?” in the most sarcastic tone.

“Yup”. I got my shoes on and said goodbye to my grandparents, he walked outside before me and went into the garage and smoked another cigarette.

A bond between a father and his daughter is like no other. I’ve known this special love my ever since I can remember. But not from the man who made me. I’ve known this love from the man who CHOSE me.

The man who came along and picked up the broken pieces of my fragile, 6 year old heart.

The man who reminded the kindergartener that she was loved and worth it.

The man who wiped every tear when my Daddy Joe didn’t call on my birthday.

The man who was there to send me off to my first day of school, every year.

Who taught me how to ride a bike, who watched every sporting event, who bought me my first bouquet of flowers, who held me as I sobbed so hard I couldn’t breathe when my first love broke my heart.

Who was there to see me off to prom and homecoming every year, who gave me every dollar he had in his wallet after every football game so I could go out to eat with the other cheerleaders.

Who was there to tell me my shirt was too tight, or my shorts were too short.

Who was there to watch me fall for the man I was meant to be with and who was there to encourage me to hold onto this love, because it’s rare and it’s true and even though I was mad, to not give up on the amazing man I’ve fallen in love with.

The man who knows my favorite flavors of ice cream and my favorite candy bar and my favorite songs.

The man who showed me growing up what to look for in a man and how a man should treat women, by the way that he treated my mom and my sister and I.

The man who still cuts my baked potatoes up for me (because I don’t want him to think I don’t need him anymore, because I will always need him.)

The man who knows when to talk to me and when to just let me be.

The man who sat me down and warned me of what the senior boys wanted when I was starting freshman year of high school.

The man who brought me to church on Sundays when I was little and cries every time he hears me sing.

The man who is my DAD. Not my father, but my dad. Technically, he’s my step dad, and his name is Dan. But he’s more of a dad than Joe has ever been and will ever be and he’s my knight in shining armor and he’s my best friend. He’s been there since I was six and he’s stepped up in every way possible and loved me more than I have ever deserved or could imagine.

When I left my grandparents house today, I was shook up. I was angry. I was relieved it was over and I honestly never wanted to see him again. I called my dad first, and just complained for a good 15 minutes. He didn’t say a word the whole time. Just let me rant. He then told me he was sorry and we talked about our nights and what we had planned. I told him I was going to work, he told me he was having a lazy day. I got to work and we exchanged I love you’s and hung up the phone.

I wasn’t angry or upset at work, I was actually in a really good mood once I got there. I just still couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was serving tables when a host came up to me around 7:30 pm, saying someone was here to see me.

“Ugh, don’t tell me it’s a guy,” thinking it was my biological dad. The host said yes, it is. I asked if he was wearing red (because my biological dad, Joe, was earlier), she said nope, blue.

I walk up front of Texas Roadhouse, and my DAD, Danny, was standing up front with a flower. I walked up and hugged him, and thanked him. I don’t really remember what I said, but I will never forget what he said.

He hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and said, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry and I love you,” he choked up and got teary eyed as he hugged me, and he said, “Any dad would be lucky to have you as a daughter.”

I’ve never felt so much love.

Any man can make a child, but it takes a special kind of man to be a dad.